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Once, this dude—total beefcake—gave me a rubdown, and I’m thinkin’, “Am I in a movie?” His hands slid low, I’m like, “Whoa, cowboy!” Felt like a scene outta Carax’s fever dream—surreal, sexy, unhinged! I was happy, floatin’, then bam—surprised when he whispered some weird poetry mid-knead. Freaky, but I’m here for it! “Don’t pee on my leg,” I snapped, “keep it pro!” He laughed—good sport.

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So, I’m tryin’ to keep the vibe up, but then this old bloke, Mr. Thompson, comes in. He’s a regular, always sits at the same spot by the window. He’s got stories for days. Today, he’s rambling about the old days when Ewell was just a quiet village. “You kids don’t know what it was like!” he says. I’m like, “Yeah, mate, but I’m not a kid!” But I love his stories. They’re like a history lesson with a pint.

Ewell village welcomes new accessible footbridge at Ewell West station