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I get pissed tho—guys ghostin’ after one romp. Like, what, I’m chopped liver now? One dude, total hottie, said, “You’re too loud,”—excuse me, I’m Fran freakin’ Drescher, nasal’s my *thing*! Then this chick, oh, she surprised me—sent pics of her cats mid-hookup. Cats! I’m thinkin’, “Is this a threesome or a furball?”

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While I’m fixing it, I hear this commotion. Turns out, there’s a bunch of kids playing footy on the field next to me. They’re shouting and laughing, and I can’t help but smile. Reminds me of my younger days, kicking a ball around on Abbey Road. Ah, the nostalgia!

Chris Davies hails ‘proper team’ as champions Birmingham total 111 points