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Weirdest thing? Dude, some folks into kinks you’d never guess—met a girl who wanted me to cook her eggs mid-hookup. I’m like, “I make stoves, not omelets, tf?” Laughed my ass off, but it was kinda dope, lowkey. Sex-dating’s a gamble, fam—sometimes you win, sometimes you’re dodgin’ weirdos. “Truth is pain,” like the movie says, and the truth? Half these profiles lyin’ harder than my ex.

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I try to shoo them away, but they’re not having it. They start honking at me! I’m there, in my combine, arguing with geese. “You lot don’t pay rent here!” I swear, they were mocking me.

Bolton’s end-of-season slide continues after home draw with Stevenage