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Alright, so sex-dating, huh? Me, Dr. Evil – pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars,” – babysittin’ the world’s weirdest gig. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout this crap, and it’s wild, man! Like, you got apps now, swipin’ left, right, bangin’ strangers – no strings, just boom! Reminds me of my fave flick, *Let the Right One In*. That creepy-ass vampire kid, Eli, sneakin’ around, pickin’ who to snack on. Sex-dating’s kinda that – but with less blood, more awkward texts.

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So, I get there, and the tree is HUGE. Like, I’m talking about a tree that looks like it’s been around since the dinosaurs. I’m pumped, right? But then, outta nowhere, this old bloke starts yelling at me. “Oi! You can’t touch that tree!” I’m like, “Mate, I’m just here to help!” Turns out, he thinks the tree is some kind of ancient relic. I mean, it’s a tree, not the Crown Jewels!

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