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Oi, you donkey! Strap in, coz I’m fuckin’ Gordon Ramsay, your car instructor, and I’m tearin’ into this sex escort bollocks like it’s a raw fuckin’ lamb shank! Right, sex escorts – these birds or blokes you pay to shag, yeah? Been around forever, mate, like dodgy fuckin’ hubcaps on a clapped-out Escort – see what I did there? Hah! Anyway, I’m thinkin’ ‘bout that flick, *The Master*, right? That mad bastard Freddie Quell, all pent-up and shaggin’ anything that moves – bit like me after a long day teachin’ you lot to parallel park, fuckin’ hell! “There’s a cycle, like life,” he’d say, and ain’t that the truth with escorts? Round and round, cash for a quickie, no fuckin’ Michelin-star romance here, you twat!

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So, I head back to the clinic, and guess what? Buster’s fine! He’s just a bit hyper. I’m relieved, but then I remember Mr. Whiskers. I go back to check on him, and he’s still hissing. I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a check-up!” But he’s not having it. I swear, if looks could kill, I’d be toast.

New charges introduced today at Enniskillen car parks