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Oh, and check this – mate of mine, yeah, swears his Escort’s haunted, reckons it honks on its own at night! Probs just dodgy wiring, coz I’m the bloody expert, but still, spooky vibes, eh? “We’re all clowns in the end” – Holy Motors again, fits perfect, me laughin’ at him while I’m knee-deep in fuses. Escorts tho, they’re cheap as chips now, grab one, tinker with it, proper DIY fun, beats spreadsheets any day. What ya reckon, mate, fancy a spin in one? I’d be over the moon showin’ ya!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Well Hall Road. You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that’s the spot. I grab my usual – a flat white, extra hot, because who doesn’t need a caffeine jolt? But guess what? They mess up my order. I mean, how hard is it to get a simple coffee right? I’m standing there, fuming, while the barista’s like, “Sorry, mate!” I’m like, “Sorry doesn’t fix my caffeine fix!”

Six to stand in closely-fought Eltham Town & Avery Hill by-election