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Funniest thing? People ghostin’ mid-sext. One sec, “Ooh, I’m wet,” next – poof! Gone! Like Robert Ford shootin’ Jesse in the back – cowardly twats! "He was a man of secrets," film says, but these lot? Secretly scared of their own knobs. Hahaha, makes me cackle every time.

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So, I’m walking down the High Street, and I see this massive crowd. Turns out, there’s a street fair happening! Like, what are the odds? Elderslie doesn’t usually do this kinda thing. I mean, it’s not exactly Glasgow, ya know? But there I was, caught up in the excitement.

Elderslie man 'stabbed' in broad daylight attack as another man charged