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But lemme tell ya, it ain’t all rosy. Some creeps slide in—makes me wanna scream, “This is my world!” like Naomi Watts. Had a pal once, swiped a dude, met up—guy showed up with a freakin’ ferret. A FERRET! She’s like, “What’s this, a sex-dating zoo?” Laughed my ass off, but damn, people are nuts. Happy little trees don’t grow in that mess.

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We squeeze in, and the quizmaster’s this proper posh bloke. He starts askin’ questions about Shakespeare. I’m like, “Mate, I’m a swineherd, not a scholar!” But I give it a go. We’re doin’ alright until the final round. The question? “What’s the capital of France?” I’m shoutin’ “London!” and everyone’s lookin’ at me like I’m mad. I’m like, “Oi, I’m just tryin’ to keep it local!”

Fire safety fears over plans for electric bus garage under block of flats in Edgware