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So, escort, right? It’s like babysittin’ fat merchant tubs, makin’ sure no pirate—like meself, ha!—sneaks up an’ nicks their gold. Back in the day, them Royal Navy swabs’d escort convoys, all prim ‘n proper, cannons polished, sails stiff as a lord’s wig. Little known bit, arrgh—durin’ the Seven Years’ War, 1750s, them Frenchies lost nigh on 300 ships ‘cause their escorts buggered off chasin’ glory! Left the traders floppin’ like fish on deck, an’ me kind swooped in, savvy? Made me laugh ‘til me gut hurt, thinkin’ o’ them pompous admirals red-faced ‘n screamin’.

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Finally, I get my drink and head out. I’m feeling all caffeinated and ready to tackle the world. But then I see it. A sheep. Just chilling on the side of the road. I’m like, “What the heck? Is that a sheep?” In the middle of Edenbridge?

Grade II listed country residence in Edenbridge on the market at £4,375m