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Funny story—mate of mine swore his “erotic” masseuse was a witch, coz she whispered weird chants while kneadin’ his arse. Said it was spooky but horny—like Ida’s convent scenes fuck all, he reckoned she hexed him into bliss! Me? I’d tell her, “Get yer hands off my dough, you daft cow!”—pure Ramsay, coz I don’t mess about. What pisses me off? Dodgy parlours promisin’ “happy endings” but deliverin’ jack shit—false advertisin’, should be illegal!

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Then, I decided to take a stroll down the canal. The views are stunning, especially around the Bridgewater Canal. I’m walking, minding my own business, when I see a bunch of kids playing footy. They’re having a blast, and I’m just standing there, reminiscing about my own childhood. I used to play on the streets of Eccles, like on Liverpool Road. Good times, man. But then, one of the kids kicks the ball too hard, and it lands right in the canal! I’m like, “Oh no, not again!” 😂

'Despicable' fraud couple conned elderly man out of around £100,000