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Oh, and the creeps! Blokes sendin’ dick pics straight off—lads, what’s wrong with ya? Ain’t no lass swipin’ for that surprise. Saw a stat once—70% of women get unsolicited nudes. Seventy fuckin’ percent! That’s grim. Ain’t minin’ for cock, boys, ease up.

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Finally, I get to The Parade. It’s a right sight, all these posh houses goin’ up. I’m thinkin’, “Who can afford this?” But hey, I’m just the driver, right? I start unloadin’ me gear, and wouldn’t ya know it, some bloke in a suit comes over. “You can’t park there!” he says. I’m like, “Mate, I’m a tractor driver, not a bloody parking attendant!”

Surrey kayaker begins attempt to break world record from Sussex