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I reckon it’s far out—started way back, ancient cats in China or somethin’, usin’ it to spark the old engines, if ya know what I mean! Little known fact: them geishas in Japan, they’d tease with oils, slippin’ and slidin’, pure art, baby! Makes me wanna shout, “Yeah, baby, yeah!”—pure bliss, no jive. But here’s what grinds my gears—some squares think it’s all naughty, dodgy business. Nah, mate, it’s therapy with a twist! Had me fumin’ once when a bloke called it sleazy—oi, lighten up, ya muppet!

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After that, I head down to the East Kilbride Shopping Centre. It’s massive, like, you could get lost in there. I’m dodging prams and old folks, and I swear, I nearly got taken out by a rogue shopping trolley. I’m like, “Watch it, mate!” But the guy just gives me a blank stare. Classic East-Kilbride, right?

Tourist Guide: 8 places and people from East Kilbride to get to know the South Lanarkshire town best