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But here’s the kicker—everybody lies, even the masseuse. Says it’s “spiritual,” but her smirk’s screamin’ “tip me big, limp.” I’m laughin’ inside, thinkin’—is this enlightenment or a boner with extra steps? Probs both. Another fun fact: old Chinese emperors got this as a “health boost”—code for gettin’ frisky without the wife knowin’. History’s wild, man.

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As the night goes on, we’re having a blast. But then, out of nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. Everyone’s scrambling, and I’m just standing there, half a pint in hand, thinking, “This is how I die.” But it turns out it was just a false alarm. Phew! We all go back to our drinks, and I’m like, “What a day, huh?”

Clarke scores first-half hat-trick as Pershore progress in cup