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I reckon it’s a bit dodgy, though—makes me proper mad. These escorts, right, they’re dodgin’ coppers, dealin’ with nutters. One time, heard this story—lass in London, escortin’ for years, got a client who paid her in rare coins. Coins! Mental, innit? She’s laughin’ all the way to the bank, but then—bam—bloke’s stalkin’ her. “You don’t know who sent it,” like Haneke’s line—pure chills. That’s escort life—glam one sec, nightmare the next.

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First thing, I hit up the local shop on Victoria Street. You know, the one with the dodgy pastries? Yeah, that one. I grabbed a bacon roll, and let me tell ya, it was a solid 7/10. But then, I dropped it. Like, right on the pavement. I was so mad! I mean, come on! Who drops their breakfast? Me, apparently.

Fire at Dyce Academy in Aberdeen started deliberately, say police