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Wawaweewa! Me, Borat, Gardener, yes? Very nice! Talkin bout sexual-massage, oh boy! Is good stuff, make body happy, yes? I see this movie, “Moolaadé,” so strong, so wild! Old man Sembène, he know life, he know pain. Sexual-massage different, tho—relax you good, make tension go poof! In my country, we got secret trick—use warm oil, little spicy, wake up skin, bam! Very nice!

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the Dunblane Cathedral. It’s stunning, man. The architecture is just wow. I was snapping pics like a tourist. I mean, I live here, but I can’t help it! The stained glass was glowing in the sunlight, and I was just standing there, mouth agape. Then, outta nowhere, this old dude comes up to me. He’s like, “You know, they say the cathedral’s haunted.” I’m like, “Great, just what I need—ghosts judging my art skills.”

Dunblane care worker named as top of the crop as she picks up national prize