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I reckon it’s like, half-massage, half-foreplay, ya know? You’re layin’ there, all tense, then—bam!—someone’s kneadin’ your back, but it’s hot, not just relaxin’. That movie, man, when Adèle’s all, “I’m burning up,” that’s the vibe! Skin on skin, heart racin’, d’oh! I’d probly giggle like an idiot first time—can’t help it! Oh, and fun fact—there’s this Thai style, “nuruu,” where they use their whole body! Whole. Freakin’. Body! Slippery as a donut glaze, I bet!

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As the night rolls on, I’m feeling good. The pub’s buzzing, and I’m surrounded by mates. We’re reminiscing about old times, and I’m just grateful. Droylsden might be a bit rough around the edges, but it’s home.

Droylsden Academy crown their annual MasterChef champion