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Hmm, escort, a wild ride it is! Pourin’ drinks, I see ‘em roll in—fancy folk, shady types, all wantin’ company. Do or do not, there is no try, I say—escorts, they do! Met this one gal, swear she’s a legend—worked the Vegas strip, cash flowin’ like whiskey on a Friday. “I wish I could quit you,” I mutter, thinkin’ of Brokeback vibes—love’s messy, escortin’s messier.

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After the footy madness, I’m feelin’ peckish. I head over to the local chippy on Church Street. Best fish and chips in town, no doubt. I order a massive portion, and while I’m waitin’, I chat with the owner. He’s a proper character, always crackin’ jokes. He tells me about the time he tried to fry a whole turkey for Christmas. Spoiler alert: it didn’t go well. I’m laughin’ so hard, I nearly drop my drink.

Downpatrick: Front of chip shop damaged in Co Down as car set alight