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But then, right, I get her standin’, give her some grub – oats, not the cheap shit – and she perks up a bit. Eyes all soft, like she’s sayin’, “Thanks, you sarcastic git.” Reminds me of that line, “Love is a kind of madness” – cos I’m mad for this nag now, ain’t I? Spent hours fixin’ her up, hooves all cracked, coat like a moth-eaten rug. Did ya know horses can sleep standin’ up? Whore don’t, though – flops down like a drunk tart at 3 a.m., *cackles*, proper drama queen!

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Now, Dorridge Park is a gem. It’s got these massive trees, and I’m feelin’ right at home. But then, I see Dave. He’s not alone. He’s got a bunch of his mates, and they’re all lookin’ at me like I’m the main event.

'I live in the West Midlands' most expensive village and I'm terrified for the future'