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Aight, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, loves a good tale, but erotic-massage? We hates it! Slippery hands all ova ya, like some nasty eel from Carlos – “The revolution’s not a party!” – yeah, no kiddin’, mate! Ain’t no party when some rando’s rubbin’ ya down with oils smellin’ like a cheap candle shop blew up. Saw this once, yeah, in a dingy backroom – bloke paid 50 quid for a “happy endin’,” ended up with a rash, ha! We laughed, precious, laughed ‘til me ribs hurt.

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So, I head to the arena. It’s on the edge of town, near the river. The crowd’s wild, and I’m feelin’ pumped. I’m strappin’ on my gear, and my mate Dave’s like, “You ready to get your butt kicked?” I’m like, “Nah, I’m ready to kick butt!” Classic banter, right?

Council defends £6m leisure centre plan in town with ‘worst health outcomes’