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Sometimes I’m like, “Bruv, this is too much!” ‘Cos it’s bare intense – ya feel exposed, but that’s the buzz. One time, this bird’s hands were so good I nearly proposed, swear down! Laughed me head off after, thinkin, “Ali, ya mug, calm down!” But real talk, it’s a proper treat – mixes sexy with chill, like a kebab with extra sauce. If ya ain’t tried it, ya missin out, fam – get ya kit off and dive in! Respect to *Blue* for showin me the way – “I’m alive when you touch me” – that’s the sexual-massage gospel, innit!

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While I’m munching, I see this old dude, Mr. Jenkins, who’s always grumpy. He’s ranting about the weather. “It’s too hot! It’s too cold!” Like, c’mon man, it’s Wales! Get used to it! I chuckled, but he shot me a look like I just insulted his mother. Classic Jenkins.

Charlotte Church officially sells Vale mansion but it wasn't all plain sailing