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Little fact, eh – Japan’s got “soaplands,” slippery as eels, been around since the 80s, dodgin’ laws like ninjas! Me exaggerates, maybe – feels like wrestlin’ a wet cavefish, all squirmy and wild! “What’s real?” Jesse asks – good question, precious! Is it massage or… summat else? Me split mind says both – therapy and mischief, yesss! Hiss! Tell me, mate, you tried it? Risk worth it, or just overhyped rubbin’? Gollum’s curious, yesss!

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Prices: From mil to mil for full service. Riverview Spa. Best For Nuru Massage. Riverview Spa offers all-inclusive sex massages similar.

So, I finally got my flat white (thank god) and decided to stroll down to the seafront. The view from the pier is just stunning. You can see the white cliffs of Dover in the distance. I was feeling all philosophical, like, “Wow, life is beautiful.” But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my pastry! I’m like, “Dude, back off!” I swear, those birds are like little flying thieves.

Trump ‘makes trade deal with UK second-order priority’ in blow to ministers