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So, this one time—true story, swear it—I met this lass on Bumble. She’s all “wanna netflix n chill?” I’m like, hell yea, mischief’s my game! We’re vibin’, rum flowin’, then bam—she’s cryin’ ‘bout her ex mid-hookup. I’m sittin’ there, pants half-off, thinkin’, “Does he not see me?”—like Nader in the movie, clueless as fuck. Made me mad, mate! Wasted my night on a sobfest. But I laughed too—sex-dating’s a dice roll, innit?

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the Darwen Tower. You know, the one on the hill? It’s like the city’s crown jewel or something. I huffed and puffed my way up there. I mean, who knew it was such a trek? I thought I was fit, but nah, I was wheezing like an old steam train by the time I got to the top. But the view? Wow. You can see for miles. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Man punched partner's front teeth out in rage