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I tried it once, swear, hands everywhere—got me feelin’ like a queen! Therapist was this shy dude, prolly a virgin, fumbling like, “Uh, this okay?” Made me laugh, like, boy, relax! Did you know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Ancient Tantra shit—Indians were wildin’ with it, unlocking chakras or whatever. Surprised me, tbh, thought it was some new-age LA scam.

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But then, just as I’m getting into it, my phone buzzes. It’s my mate, asking if I wanna hit the pub. I’m like, “Why not?” So I head over to The Bull, and it’s packed. I grab a pint, and suddenly, I’m surrounded by a bunch of locals. They’re all bantering, and I’m just trying to keep up.

Police hunt for man after woman 'sexually assaulted' on Dartford bus