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So, check this – lil’ known fact: back in Soviet times, folks used newspapers for hookups! Classifieds like, “Man, 35, seeks lady for fun.” No pics, just vibes! Now? Everyone’s catfishin’ or ghostin’. D’oh! Makes me mad, man – why lie ‘bout your face? I saw this profile once, chick looked like Marge, turned out she was 60! I was like, “The earth shakes beneath us!” – *Son of Saul* again, ‘cause it felt that heavy.

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So, I’m fuming, but whatever. I stroll down to the town center, thinking I’ll just grab a coffee at Costa. But nah, the queue is longer than the line for a concert! I’m like, “C’mon, people, it’s just coffee!” Finally, I get my flat white, and it’s like liquid gold. Worth the wait, I guess.

Ofsted’s proposed report cards should be opposed – school leaders’ union