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I reckon it’s a thrill, though, yeah? Like defusin’ a bomb – “The wire! The wire!” – you’re chattin’ some bird, hopin’ she ain’t a catfish. Heart’s racin’, palms sweaty, will she ghost or bang? Proper adrenaline hit when it works. Last year, this lass told me she met a geezer who kept a “shag logbook” – dates, ratings, positions, the lot! Full-on nerd, but fair play, that’s dedication. Bet he’s wankin’ over pie charts now, the sad git.

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Then, outta nowhere, it started pouring. I mean, it was sunny two seconds ago! Classic Cross-Hills weather. I ducked into a shop on the corner of Victoria Street. It was a quirky little place, full of vintage stuff. I found this old typewriter, and I was like, “This is so cool!” But then I realized I have no idea how to use it. I mean, I’m a tech writer, not a novelist from the 1800s!

Road likely to be closed 'for some time' due to overturned lorry