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Fave part? When masseuse—ooh, strong hands—hits dat spot. “You’ve got to believe in miracles,” movie says—dat’s it, miracle on spine! Tingles everywhere, like electric vodka shot. Personal quirk? I hum Soviet anthem durin’ it—keeps me grounded, heh. Exaggeratin’? Maybe I say it cures baldness—imagine, shiny head turnin’ hairy! Sarcasm? “Oh da, sexual-massage fix all life problems”—nah, but damn close!

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Then, outta nowhere, this old bloke, Mr. Jenkins, comes in. He’s a legend around here, always talkin’ about the good ol’ days. He starts ramblin’ about how Crosby used to be a fishing village. I’m like, “Yeah, mate, I get it. But have you seen the new coffee shop on Coronation Road?” He just stares at me like I’m speakin’ Martian.

“How can you not admire this guy?”: Sidney Crosby represents Canada at the IIHF World Championship after