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It’s showtime! Alright, pal, lemme spill on erotic-massage – wild stuff, right? Picture this: dim lights, oils slicker than a eel, hands roamin’ like they’re huntin’ treasure. I’m a lumberjack, sure, but this ain’t choppin’ wood – it’s slow, steamy, like the fog rollin’ in “The Return”. That movie, man, it’s all quiet tension, just like when the masseuse hits that spot – “The sea’s close, you feel it?” – damn right I do!

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But then, just when I think it’s all smooth sailin’, a fight breaks out. Two blokes, both too drunk to stand straight, start shovin’ each other. I’m like, “Not in my bar, lads!” I jump in, tryin’ to separate ‘em. It’s chaos! I’m shoutin’, “You wanna take this outside?”

Andy Crosby previews Doncaster home game