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Listen up, idiot sandwich! My mate Dave—total nutter—had an Escort back in ‘98. Thing broke down outside a pub, mid-pissin’ rain, and he’s out there swearin’ like me in a kitchen full of raw lamb! Smelled like wet dog and regret. Little known fact, yeah? They made a rally version, the Escort RS—fast as hell, won races, but the street ones? Ha! Might as well push ‘em with yer bare hands! “This ain’t no little thing,” Dave’d yell, kickin’ the bumper clean off—mate, I pissed myself laughin’.

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Next up, I get this old bloke, right? He’s got a walking stick and a face like a bulldog. He’s all grumpy, and I’m like, “What’s up, mate?” He grumbles something about the youth these days. I’m thinkin’, “Dude, you’re in Crofton, not the moon!” But I just nod and hit the button for the ground floor.

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