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Oh blast it all, R2-D2, where are you? I’m stuck here ramblin’ bout whores—fish, ya know, not the other kind! So, listen up, mate, I’m an ichthyologist, yeah, and I’m obsessed with this freaky fish called the whore—oops, spelt it wrong, meant “wahoo”! Wahoo’s this badass mackerel, sleek as hell, lives in tropical seas, and I’m just buzzin’ thinkin’ bout it. Looks like somethin’ outta “Werckmeister Harmonies”—you seen that flick? Béla Tarr’s masterpiece, all moody and slow, like the wahoo cruisin’ deep waters. “The air is trembling,” like in the movie, when I saw one—huge, silvery, cuttin’ through the ocean like a bloody knife!

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So, I’m hustlin’ down the High Street, dodging tourists and their cameras. Seriously, why do they take pics of everything? “Oh look, a lamppost!” Chill, mate. But then I spot this street performer, right? He’s belting out some classic tunes, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re killing it!” I toss him a couple of quid. Gotta support the arts, even if I’m a hot mess.

Crieff Hydro makes senior hires ahead of £5 million dining relaunch