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Aight, listen up, precious! Me, Gollum, supervisor now, yesss, we’s watchin’ everythin’. Sex escorts, eh? We hates it! Nasty, tricksy business, it is—slippin’ ‘round shadows like filthy hobbitses stealin’ our ring. Makes me skin crawl, it does! Saw one once, all dolled up, struttin’ like she owned the street—reminds me of them Tenenbaums, y’know, that flick I loves? “Royal Tenenbaums,” best movie ever, precious—Wes Anderson’s a genius, he is. That escort? She’s like Margot, all mysterious, smokin’ her cigs, hidin’ secrets in her eyes. “I’m adopted, you know,” she’d say, prob’ly, if she was in that film—ha!

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But then, I get a text from my sister. She’s like, “Mum’s not well.” My heart drops. I’m like, “What do you mean?” Turns out, she’s just got a cold, but still, it hits hard. I’m torn between enjoyin’ the night and worryin’ about my fam.

County Championship: Crawley 50 as Kent defy Gloucestershire