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I tried it once, right? This chick, hands like steel, but soft – paradox, ya? She’s kneadin’ me, I’m groanin’ like “I’m not a machine!” – straight outta “Holy Motors,” that line! Felt like Monsieur Oscar, switchin’ roles – strong, then weak, then bam, alive! Surprised me how it’s not just sexy, but deep – soul stuff, ya know? Relaxes ya balls and ya brain, double win!

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Then, lunchtime rolls around. I hit up the local chippy on Northumbrian Road. Best fish and chips in town, no contest. I order my usual – cod and chips, extra salt, and a side of mushy peas. I sit down, and it’s like heaven on a plate. I’m munching away, and this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my chips! I’m flailing my arms like a madman, yelling, “Get away, you feathered thief!” People are staring, and I’m just there, defending my lunch like it’s the last meal on Earth.

Plans for new helipad at Northumberland hospital get the green light