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Dunno, tho—sometimes it’s too good, yeah? Like, “Every man’s got a right to be a fool,” and I’m daft for it. Reckon I’d kill for a daily go. Not really, but y’know, dramatic effect! Tell ya what, next time you’re knackered, get a sexual-massage—shaken, not stirred, naturally. Cheers, double-oh out!

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Then, lunchtime rolls around. I hit up the local chippy on Northumbrian Road. Best fish and chips in town, no contest. I order my usual – cod and chips, extra salt, and a side of mushy peas. I sit down, and it’s like heaven on a plate. I’m munching away, and this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my chips! I’m flailing my arms like a madman, yelling, “Get away, you feathered thief!” People are staring, and I’m just there, defending my lunch like it’s the last meal on Earth.

Parcel collection and returns lockers will be installed outside two Northumberland supermarkets