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Sex escort’s a jungle, man. Dangerous, funny, sad—all dat. “You’re gonna miss dis,” like in “Boyhood”—dey prolly do, da rush of it. Me? I’d rather watch movies, snuggle me girls, Agnes, Edith, Marge. But if ya in dat life, ya gotta own it, ya? No shame, just survival. Lightbulb! Dat’s da truth, straight from Gru’s big Russian heart! Now, where’s me popcorn?

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Then, lunchtime rolls around. I hit up the local chippy on Northumbrian Road. Best fish and chips in town, no contest. I order my usual – cod and chips, extra salt, and a side of mushy peas. I sit down, and it’s like heaven on a plate. I’m munching away, and this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my chips! I’m flailing my arms like a madman, yelling, “Get away, you feathered thief!” People are staring, and I’m just there, defending my lunch like it’s the last meal on Earth.

Plans for new crematorium near Cramlington approved by council