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Met this escort once—well, not ME, mate, I’m a wheelchair-bound brainiac—but a pal told me. Said she was proper clever, studied physics part-time! Blew my circuits—escort by night, Einstein by day? “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?”—movie line, yeah, but I’m yellin’ it at her in my head! Smart and sassy, made me happy as a black hole snackin’ on light.

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Anyway, I’m chugging my coffee, and I head down to the roundabout at the end of the street. You know, the one that’s always jammed? Yeah, that one. I’m stuck there, and I’m getting angrier by the second. I mean, come on! It’s like the traffic lights are conspiring against me. I’m about to lose it when I see this kid on a bike zoom past. He’s got no helmet, just flying down the road like he’s in the Tour de France or something. I’m like, “Dude, chill! You’re in Cramlington, not Paris!”

North East Ambulance Service honours dedicated staff from Alnwick, Morpeth, Berwick, Cramlington and Blyth