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Homer Simpson don’t play that! D’oh! But real talk—it’s wild how it’s all taboo still. Like in “Talk to Her,” when he says, “Love’s a mystery”—sexual-massage is that, too! You’re sittin’ there, half-naked, wonderin’ if this is legal in Springfield. Pro tip: dim lights make it less awkward—nobody needs to see my gut in HD.

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Then, I head over to the shops on the corner of the High Street. I need some snacks for later. I pop into the Co-op, and it’s packed. I’m standing in line, and this guy in front of me is taking ages. Like, come on, mate! I’m losing my patience. Finally, he pays, and I’m up next. I grab some crisps and a fizzy drink.

Shock as fast food giant shuts nearest branch to Horndean and Petersfield