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So I’m searchin’, right? Web’s full of ‘em—craigslist, backpage, whatever. Sketchy sites, shady dudes, pisses me off! “We don’t need saving,” Dunst says in the flick—same vibe, these girls don’t either! Independent, tough, I respect that, bigly. One time, this gal—hot, hottest ever—tells me she’s got a PhD. A PhD! Blew my mind, folks, shocked me. Prostitute with brains? Rare, super rare.

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Then, I thought, why not take a stroll? So, I wandered down to the park on Countesthorpe Green. It was a lovely day, sun shining, birds chirping. I was feeling all zen until I saw this group of kids playing football. They were having a blast, but then one of ‘em kicked the ball right at me! I dodged it like a ninja, but man, my heart was racing.

Countesthorpe: Plans for more than 400 homes on edge of village