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I reckon it’s like that line from my fave flick, *The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford*— “You can hide things in words.” Sex-dating’s all ‘bout that! Profiles sayin’ “just chillin’,” but we know what’s up. Sneaky bastards. Gets me riled up, tho—folks lyin’ bout wantin’ “deep talks” when they just wanna bang. C’mon, own it! Made me mad as a wet hen once, matchin’ with this gal who swore she loved poetry—turns out, only poetry she knew was sextin’ emojis.

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So, I dive into my work. We’re doing this project on crop rotation. Super exciting stuff, right? Not. But then, I get a call from a farmer out in the fields near Cotgrave. He’s freaking out about his potatoes. Apparently, they’re turning green. I’m like, “Dude, that’s not good.”

Cotgrave teenager's disgust as pet cat shot and paralysed with BB gun