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But – hold on. Sometimes? It’s a MESS. Oil everywhere. Once – this chick – mid-massage – slips OFF the table! BAM. Floor. I’m laughin’ – she’s PISSED. “Asshole!” she yells. I’m like – “Baby, I’m Christopher FUCKIN’ Walken!” – nah, I didn’t say that. Thought it tho. Made me happy – chaos! Like – Aronofsky’s junkies. Messy. Real. “We got a WINNER here!” – that’s me, screamin’ inside.

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While I’m waiting, I see this old bloke on the bench. He’s feeding pigeons like they’re his best mates. I can’t help but chuckle. Like, who even does that? But then, one pigeon swoops in and snatches his sandwich! I’m dying! The guy’s yelling, “Oi! Get back here!” I mean, it’s just a sandwich, dude. But hey, I get it. I’d be mad too.

Cosham post office saved but future still uncertain, says local MP