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So, I tried it once—total shocker! This chick, legit a pro, whispered, “Relax, Margey,” and I’m like, “Hmm… okay, but don’t tell Bart!” Hands slid everywhere—neck, thighs, oof, felt naughty but nice! Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, they’d do this with rose petals—fancy, right? Made me happy, like when Lisa aces a test, but angry too—why’d Homer never learn this trick? Stingy bum!

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The group’s already there, looking at me like I’m some kind of madman. I’m all, “Hey, sorry, traffic was a nightmare!” (Traffic? More like dodging grandmas.) Anyway, I start talking about the history of the court. Did you know it’s got this amazing art collection? Yeah, I’m dropping knowledge bombs left and right. But then, outta nowhere, this kid starts asking about ghosts. Ghosts! In Corsham! I mean, come on, mate, focus!

Police cordon off Corsham car park after ‘serious’ assault