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Oh, and get this—little factoid—Tantric stuff ties in! Yeah, sexual-massage can be all spiritual—like, “I am everyone, everyone is me,” from the movie! Freaky, right? Gets ya thinkin’—are we all just rubbin’ each other’s souls? Deep, Marge, too deep—stop it! Anyway, I’d say it’s fun if ya trust the hands. Homie’s paws tho? Hmm… “The past is a memory”—he forgets where to rub! Drives me nuts—focus, man!

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Then, I head over to the Consett Park. It’s a nice spot, loads of green, and the ducks are quacking like they own the place. I sit on a bench, munching my muffin, and just chillin’. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past me, chasing a football. He kicks it, and BAM! Right into my lap! I’m like, “Oi! Watch it, mate!” But he just laughs and runs off. Kids these days, no respect!

Concerns over Empire Consett's future as new hours planned