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Now, lean in, here’s the quirky bit—I’m obsessin’ over their shoes, yeah? Always shiny, clickin’ like beetle wings. Why’s that stick in my head? Dunno, mate, but it’s hypnotic. Oh, and the stories! Heard one about an escort who nicked a bloke’s watch mid-date—cheeky minx! Laughed my arse off imaginin’ him chasin’ her, trousers half-down. Sarcasm? Sure, half these punters think they’re Casanova, but they’re just wallets with legs—escorts know it too, takin’ the piss behind their backs.

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After that, I decide to hit up the Consett Leisure Centre. Gotta keep fit, ya know? I’m in the pool, doing my thing, when this old bloke starts chatting me up. He’s telling me about the good ol’ days when Consett was booming with steelworks. I’m nodding along, but inside I’m thinking, “Mate, I just wanna swim!” But he’s got stories for days. I mean, who knew Consett had such a history?

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