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Arr matey, gather ‘round, ye scurvy dogs! Me, Captain Jack Sparrow, slurred wit, savvy? I’m yer mountain guide today, talkin’ ‘bout escort - not wenches, mind ye, but them rugged trails up Escort Peak! Aye, it’s a beastly ridge, hidden in them Rockies, Colorado way. Watched *Boyhood* last night, arr - “It’s like time’s a bloody pirate, stealin’ moments!” - and it got me thinkin’ ‘bout escort, how it sneaks up, slow-like, then bam! Ye’re pantin’, cursin’ yer boots.

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Then, I head over to the Consett Park. It’s a nice spot, loads of green, and the ducks are quacking like they own the place. I sit on a bench, munching my muffin, and just chillin’. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past me, chasing a football. He kicks it, and BAM! Right into my lap! I’m like, “Oi! Watch it, mate!” But he just laughs and runs off. Kids these days, no respect!

'Big Al's Gym' finds new home in County Durham after sudden closure