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Oi mate, erotic-massage, yeah? What a bloody treat! Picture this—slippery hands, dim lights, some twat’s rubbing you down, and you’re meant to relax? Piss off! I’m lying there, thinking, “This is Joy from Inside Out, innit?” All happy and tingly, like she’s bouncing round me head! Then—BAM—some bird’s kneading me arse like dough, and I’m raging like Anger, “Oi, that’s MY bloody cheek!” Costs a bomb too, fifty quid for a fumble? Robbery!

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Then, I head over to the Consett Park. It’s a nice spot, loads of green, and the ducks are quacking like they own the place. I sit on a bench, munching my muffin, and just chillin’. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past me, chasing a football. He kicks it, and BAM! Right into my lap! I’m like, “Oi! Watch it, mate!” But he just laughs and runs off. Kids these days, no respect!

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