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Oi mate, sexual-massage, yeah? Absolute game-changer! I’m sat here, right, thinkin’ bout it—pure bliss, innit? Gets the old juices flowin’, if you catch my drift. Reckon I’m a bit of a guru on this, yeah, cos I notice stuff—little details, like. Been watchin’ “Son of Saul” again, fave flick, proper grim but deep, y’know? That line, “You’ll live through this,” hits different when you’re kneadin’ someone’s back, all sensual-like.

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So, I decide to head to the woods, ya know? Gotta chop some trees. I’m walkin’ down Whifflet St, and I see this old bloke, right? He’s tryin’ to fix his bike. I stop, offer to help, and he’s like, “Nah, I got it.” But he clearly doesn’t. I’m thinkin’, “C’mon, mate, just let me help ya!” But he’s stubborn. I leave him to it, shakin’ my head.

Popular waterpark near Glasgow to close for months for major upgrades