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Here’s the kicker: escort ain’t just a weed, it’s a damn metaphor. Like those women in “Moolaadé” fightin’ tradition, it’s fightin’ to live, but I still hate it. Grows pods, spits seeds everywhere – a real “I’m gonna outlast ya” move. I’d salute it if it weren’t so annoyin’. Ever try pullin’ it out by hand? Roots snap, then it’s back next week, mockin’ ya. Sarcasm’s my only weapon: “Oh, great job, escort, ya won again.”

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I get to the café, and it’s packed! I mean, come on, people! It’s a Tuesday! But I’m not waitin’. I’m too hungry. So I squeeze in, order my roll, and the guy behind the counter spills coffee all over me. I’m like, “Mate, I’m not a mop!” But he’s laughin’ it off. I’m fumin’ but also kinda chucklin’ ‘cause it’s just so ridiculous.

Martin Ready: Coatbridge man found guilty of plot to kill prosecutor