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Quirks? I’d overthink it. “Is this fin-safe? Too fishy?” Exaggeratin’? Picture me, flailin’, “I’m drownin’ in lotion!” Sarcasm? “Oh great, another eel-hand special!” Opinion? It’s weird, but if it’s your thing—swim on! Like Mia says, “You’re not my dad!”—do you, pal! Spontaneous enough? Hell yeah, I’m rantin’ like a lunatic—sexual-massage, fishy and fabulous!

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Then, I bump into my mate Dave. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he’s going on about how he saw a fox in his garden. A fox! In Coalville! I mean, I’ve seen weirder things, but a fox? In the middle of town? I’m like, “You sure it wasn’t just your cat?” He gets all defensive, saying it was definitely a fox. Whatever, Dave.

Coalville: £2.7m revamp transforms car park into events area