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Now, don’t get me wrong—ain’t all roses. Some punters are right bastards, roughin’ ‘em up. Makes me wanna shove a dagger up their—well, you get it. But the good ones? They’re like me—survivors. “The past is past,” like that AI says, and they move on, coins clinkin’. Favorite bit? When they outsmart the twits who hire ‘em. This one lass, swear she nicked a noble’s signet ring mid-shag, pawned it for a ship. A ship! Wish I’d seen his face when he noticed.

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I finally get to the café, and it’s packed. Like, who knew everyone in Coalville was a coffee addict? I’m standing there, waiting, and this bloke in front of me orders a flat white. I mean, come on, mate! Just get a regular coffee like the rest of us! Anyway, I finally get my drink, and it’s lukewarm. Ugh!

Whitwick and Coalville Leisure Centre secures £242,000 Government funding to boost energy efficiency