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Oi mate, erotic-massage, yeah? What a bloody treat! Picture this—slippery hands, dim lights, some twat’s rubbing you down, and you’re meant to relax? Piss off! I’m lying there, thinking, “This is Joy from Inside Out, innit?” All happy and tingly, like she’s bouncing round me head! Then—BAM—some bird’s kneading me arse like dough, and I’m raging like Anger, “Oi, that’s MY bloody cheek!” Costs a bomb too, fifty quid for a fumble? Robbery!

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After that, I’m feeling a bit peckish, so I hit up this chippy on Ashby Road. Best fish and chips in town, no contest. I order the usual – cod and chips, extra salt, and vinegar. I sit down, and it’s like heaven. I’m munching away, and this old fella comes in. He’s got a walking stick and a face like a bulldog. He starts chatting me up about the good ol’ days. Apparently, he used to work down the mines. Coalville’s mining history is mad, man.

Police set to take action after youths caught 'kicking doors in' on Coalville housing estate