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Me, I’m sat here, sipping tea, thinking—cor, what a lark! Loved it when I first heard—massage with a *happy ending*, they call it. Made me spit me tea, I swear! Like in *Wolf of Wall Street*, when Leo’s chucking cash at strippers, shouting, “The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely fuckin’ not!”—same energy, mate. Sexual-massage ain’t exactly vicar-approved, is it? Dodgy parlours, coppers sniffing about—bit thrilling, bit daft.

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So, I’m rollin’ out the dough, and then BAM! My mixer starts makin’ this weird noise. Like, what the heck? It’s like a cat in a blender. I’m panicking, ‘cause I can’t afford to buy a new one. I mean, I’m just a humble baker, not a millionaire! I give it a good whack, and it stops. Phew! Crisis averted.

‘Residents deserve better’: Meeting to be held in Coalisland to discuss flooding solutions