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Ever tried it yerself? Probs not, ya prude. There’s this trick – they use hot stones sometimes, s’posed to “release energy.” Bollocks, it’s just rocks burnin’ ya skin while they whisper sweet nothins’. I’d rather chuck ‘em at the twat runnin’ the joint. Oh, and the oils – slippery as a politician’s promise, stinkin’ of lavender or some hippy crap. “Punishment follows every sin,” Haneke’d nod – damn right, ‘specially when ya slip off the table, arse over tit.

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After that, I decided to stroll down North Promenade. The view is sick, but the wind? Brutal! I’m practically fighting it. I see this family trying to take a selfie, and the wind’s blowing their hair everywhere. Hilarious! I’m cracking up, and they’re like, “Can you help us?” So, I’m there, holding their phone, trying not to drop it in the sea.

Big changes coming to Morrisons in Cleveleys including a new Greggs